Categorically Horrific

Never too young to molest!

Candy: Dad: Naw, Bobby. That ain’t no way to touch your baby sister. C’mere, lemme show ya some REAL fun tricks. And remember, be gentle ‘cause you don’t leave any marks.

Oh yeah. Don’t tell Mom.

Sarah: This cover is just… ugh. And the series, “Three Cowboys and a Baby?” I bet you any amount of money, one of those babies is a secret baby.

Blech!

Candy: Hot damn. The only thing I want forgotten is the sheer mess that’s this cover. What in the fuck kind of effect were they trying to achieve? A combination of Monet on crack and an episode of Days of Our Lives—also on crack? Throw in a horror movie for good measure, because that woman doesn’t have any pupils. Note to cover artists: Regan from The Exorcist should not be your inspiration for romance novel cover art. And near as I can tell the dude doesn’t have any eyes, period, but he has this odd smirk on his face, almost as if he’s happy about it. He probably gave Satan his eyeballs in exchange for the ability to leer menacingly over poorly-painted landscapes.

Sarah: When paintball meets romance, the results are messy, explosive, and gross, and let’s not forget ugly. I think Candy’s on to something, because the cinematographer for Days clearly brought the fuzzy lens and the backlight over for this cover. Makes me wonder if I forgot to put my glasses on this morning.

I know we argue here that romance is often so well written it is akin to an art form, but that is NOT what we mean.

Candy: Alternate title: “When Zombies Want To Fuck.” If there are cover models more bloodless or lifeless in Romancelandia, I have yet to see them. And that’s including all the vampire romance covers I’ve seen.

Sarah: The episode of ‘Highlander’ that was never aired. Christopher Lambert plays Connor McLeod, a man with a horrible secret. He lusts, he pines, he cannot resist… women who have the flu.

Candy: Ummmm, I guess the “expecting” in the title of this book refers to the woman’s pregnancy (of which I can see very little sign), but really, that concerned look on their faces just makes ‘em look kind of constipated. They’re expecting an imminent bowel movement because they haven’t had one in three weeks. Or maybe they’re expecting that shipment of Metamucil to arrive any day now.

Also: if you’re in danger, RUN LIKE HELL YOU STUPID MOTHERFUCKERS. Don’t stop in the middle of the street and pose all pretty with a faintly pained look on your faces. Frankly, the biggest danger you’re in is being mowed over by a car.

Sarah: That chick is expecting to have her midwife scream at her that she’s not gaining appropriately. Expecting means bigger boobs and a much rounder belly than that. She looks positively… normal. And if she’s that early in her pregnancy that she hasn’t begun to “show” yet, well, listen to Candy and get the hell out of the street. Don’t stand there in the breeze and pose like goofballs.

Comments are Closed

  1. 1
    fiveandfour says:

    It is hard balancing on the knife-edge between laughing and crying when seeing these covers sometimes.  It’s a good thing you two are here to tip us onto the side of laughter. 

    But…

    I can’t believe neither of you mentioned the uncanny resemblance to Bono, circa The Joshua Tree, that guy has on the Rio Grande Wedding cover. It’s as though he’s leaning in to whisper “I still haven’t found what I’m looking for” – and seeing how wooden she looks, who can blame him?  This looks like their most titillating thrill the night before was watching a documentary on the mating habits of the puffer fish on PBS that had them abed and snoring peacefully on their separate pillows by 10:15pm.

    But I digress—-I’m not the only one that sees the Bono thing, am I?

  2. 2
    Kate R says:

    I can’t really figure out that Forgotten background. What’s with the bird poop landing on her head? Fireworks?

  3. 3
    Candy says:

    That’s a lot more flattering than my initial thought, Kate. Let’s just say I looked at the cover and thought “Oh, THAT’s why the dude’s all smirky and happy even though he has no eyeballs.”

  4. 4
    E.D'Trix says:

    RE: Expecting… and in Danger

    Apparently Lorenzo Lamas is marrying and reproducing at such a phenomenal rate that he and his wife of the nanosecond need to moonlight as cover models to pay for the ultrasounds…

  5. 5
    Stef2 says:

    *I’m not the only one that sees the Bono thing, am I?*

    It’s totally DR. SPOCK Bono.  Or maybe Legolas Bono.

  6. 6

    Oh, dangedy-damn!  I should never click on this blog to read when ill and heavily congested in the chest… 

    Because by the time I was reading this line “And near as I can tell the dude doesn’t have any eyes, period…” I started to do my usual cackle-snort, but instead I produced a WHEEZE. 

    And not just any wheeze. 

    But a horrible dying old hag on her last three consumptive breaths in a medieval flea-and-roach-and-bedbug-infested peasant hut—with just a touch of cholera and black plague) in the middle of a forest kind of wheeze.

    And… the wheeze would not stop.

    It just. KEPT. GOING.

    I just held the wheeze note, and because my body decided it had to continue laughing, I sounded like this extended bullhorn car horn stuck on blast because somebody leaned on it with their lovehandles…

    And the more I heard myself giving off this wheeze, the more I continued laughing and wheezing and sucking in air and laughing and wheezing and ….

    Five goddamn minutes later—THANKS A LOT, SMART BITCHES! :-)

  7. 7
    Fair says:

    No, you’re not the only one who sees Bono!—the instant I saw that cover, I thought of him. I’ll bet it was modeled on him.

  8. 8

    Ohmygod.  Can’t. . . stop. . . laughing…

  9. 9
    Sarah says:

    Expecting and In Danger also has one of those catalog poses where someone models the clothes in a standing position no human would ever voluntarily use, unless a photographer were saying, “Ok, now quarter turn toward me, and hold your hand like you’re about to unlock a door, only there’s no key in your hand.”

    I’m going to practice standing like this on the subway platform.

  10. 10

    The Rio Grande one is definitely the worst. I didn’t see Bono, I saw a clubhopping hermaphrodite on the Morning After telling his/her sick-with-flu roommate about all the fun and hot guys the roommate missed.

    Or maybe the Monet-on-crack is the worst. I can’t decide…

  11. 11
    Candy says:

    I’m not sure I see Bono in Rio Grande Wedding. He does have the Bono 80s mullet, though. But he strikes as more of a zombie elf man than anything else.

  12. 12
    Ankah says:

    Re: Rio Grande Wedding

    So THAT’S what Jon Cryer was doing during the 90’s…

  13. 13
    Missie says:

    Just a question..Are the coffee cups upside down on the counter in Rio Grande Wedding, or are my eyes deceiving me? That could be why they have such glazed looks on their faces…they haven’t yet had their morning cuppa Joe to get the day started right.

    Also, I have to commend the couple on Expecting and in Danger. It spoke to me. I mean, I am giving birth in 3 days, and I can’t tell you how many times in the past nine months my husband and I have stood in the dark, in the middle of the street, with my hand in my boyfriend-blazer pocket and him BEHIND me (cuz where else is a guy gonna stand to protect his woman?), with our hair blowing around us, contemplating the danger we are in. I so feel connected to that couple. Hang on….I am going to weep now…

    Missie

  14. 14

    Maybe the girl was wearing the coffee cups during the drunken shebang last night?

  15. 15
    Stef2 says:

    No, no, she’s looking over his shoulder, desperately searching for the UPS man through the front window, who’s arrival will bring – AT LAST! – new coffee cups.  And prosthetic ears for Bono.

  16. 16
    Candy says:

    “shebang”

    OK, thanks to the scourge on civilization that is American Idol, I now think of William Hung singing “She Bangs” every time I see that word.

    *stabs eardrums out with pen*

    Also: Why would anyone put coffee cups upside-down on a kitchen counter? I mean, in the cabinet, I can understand. But once one takes them out of the cupboard, wouldn’t one, you know, put them RIGHT SIDE UP so when one is all sleepy and starts pouring the coffee will go into the cups instead of spilling hot motherfucking coffee all over one’s bedroom slippers?

    Wait. Sorry. Human Logic obviously does not apply here.

  17. 17

    Actually, believe it or not, those are not unpside-down mugs—no matter what it might seem like or what might be the logical thing for our understanding of mugs and the laws of physics.

    These are Native American wide bottom mugs.

    I think….

    Sort of like these:

    http://www.adirondackoutdoor.com/images/mug2.jpg

    Of course, what are these wide bottom mugs that look so much like upside down normal mugs doing on that counter is anyone’s guess.

  18. 18
    Candy says:

    Well, hell. I think you’re right, Vera. You done de-fanged my snark.

    *pouts*

  19. 19

    Aww, sorry Candy, but the mugs are still completely retarded—they *look* upside down to any normal person at first glance, so your snark is quite fang-worthy still.

    The only reason I sorta kinda very vaguely noticed is because I’ve seen a mug like that up close in real life (and that mug was just as moronic). ;-)

  20. 20

    Never fear, I’m sure a snark can regrow teeth.

    My apologies for my own mistake: I didn’t recognize the mugs. I wonder if they spent all the cash on the cups and had to use mannequins or corpses for models?

    Thanks, Vera!

  21. 21
    E.D'Trix says:

    Yeah, the mugs are pretty darn stoopid. And yet, worse even than the lame mugs is the cutesy tag line “Green Card Groom”. Bleh. I love Barbara Samuel/Ruth Wind, but this book ranks as one of my least faves. Total arranged marriage of convenience theme—groom speaks little to no english, etc. etc. Not impressive.

    I also find myself more and more horrified with Forgotten every time I look at it. I kept wondering why it gave me the heebie jeebies until I realized that the cover looks as the the “hero” has just popped a cap in the heroine. Probably got her right under the chin, resulting in the “fireworks” (and, no doubt brain matter) shooting out of the top of her head. Additionally, there is plenty of blood spatter coating the grimly smirking hero’s face and cable-knit sweater. Ladies, this ‘taint no romance—it’s a snuff novel!

  22. 22
    kt says:

    I was also perplexed by the apparent upside down mugs, but since I didn’t see a handle on one I decided they were a sugar and creamer set. After yet another look based on Vera’s post, I agree with her. I can’t believe I’ve looked at this cover so many times. It’s burning into my retinas. And I think he looks like a young Bob Geldof.

  23. 23
    Alyssa says:

    Rio Grande Wedding is in my TBR list. I hadn’t given the cover more than a cursory glance, and I liked the colors. As I look at it more, I can definitely see that they look a bit lifeless.

    I think forgotten is the worst. Isn’t it shocking (not!) that this look isn’t wildly popular?

    Love the commentary.

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