Candy: Dad: Naw, Bobby. That ain’t no way to touch your baby sister. C’mere, lemme show ya some REAL fun tricks. And remember, be gentle ‘cause you don’t leave any marks.
Oh yeah. Don’t tell Mom.
Sarah: This cover is just… ugh. And the series, “Three Cowboys and a Baby?” I bet you any amount of money, one of those babies is a secret baby.
Candy: Hot damn. The only thing I want forgotten is the sheer mess that’s this cover. What in the fuck kind of effect were they trying to achieve? A combination of Monet on crack and an episode of Days of Our Lives—also on crack? Throw in a horror movie for good measure, because that woman doesn’t have any pupils. Note to cover artists: Regan from The Exorcist should not be your inspiration for romance novel cover art. And near as I can tell the dude doesn’t have any eyes, period, but he has this odd smirk on his face, almost as if he’s happy about it. He probably gave Satan his eyeballs in exchange for the ability to leer menacingly over poorly-painted landscapes.
Sarah: When paintball meets romance, the results are messy, explosive, and gross, and let’s not forget ugly. I think Candy’s on to something, because the cinematographer for Days clearly brought the fuzzy lens and the backlight over for this cover. Makes me wonder if I forgot to put my glasses on this morning.
I know we argue here that romance is often so well written it is akin to an art form, but that is NOT what we mean.
Candy: Alternate title: “When Zombies Want To Fuck.” If there are cover models more bloodless or lifeless in Romancelandia, I have yet to see them. And that’s including all the vampire romance covers I’ve seen.
Sarah: The episode of ‘Highlander’ that was never aired. Christopher Lambert plays Connor McLeod, a man with a horrible secret. He lusts, he pines, he cannot resist… women who have the flu.
Candy: Ummmm, I guess the “expecting” in the title of this book refers to the woman’s pregnancy (of which I can see very little sign), but really, that concerned look on their faces just makes ‘em look kind of constipated. They’re expecting an imminent bowel movement because they haven’t had one in three weeks. Or maybe they’re expecting that shipment of Metamucil to arrive any day now.
Also: if you’re in danger, RUN LIKE HELL YOU STUPID MOTHERFUCKERS. Don’t stop in the middle of the street and pose all pretty with a faintly pained look on your faces. Frankly, the biggest danger you’re in is being mowed over by a car.
Sarah: That chick is expecting to have her midwife scream at her that she’s not gaining appropriately. Expecting means bigger boobs and a much rounder belly than that. She looks positively… normal. And if she’s that early in her pregnancy that she hasn’t begun to “show” yet, well, listen to Candy and get the hell out of the street. Don’t stand there in the breeze and pose like goofballs.