Covers Gone Lindsey, Part 4!

SAY YOU LOVE ME

Sarah:

First, let me state for the record something that I haven’t been able to talk about freely on this site. I’ve come clean with my love of dumb tv shows like Beauty and the Beast, and I’ve dissed with the harshest of harsh the bad writing of some much-loved authors. And even those experiences on the cusp of bravery are not enough to prepare me for what I must say to you all right now.

I bare my soul to reveal that I think leprosy is SO HOT.

I have a poster sized blow-up of this cover in my bedroom, hidden behind some Bosch images of people humping in hell, and when I need my leper-fix, I peel back the Bosch to reveal this masterful work of coloring inside the lines. The dark, almost Hollywood-tan-beige chest, with the peculiarly odd outie belly button. The leather pants – I swear I saw some just like those in the Village the other day. They are especially humpa-worthy when one tucks what looks to be a scrap of cancas with a lace sleeve into the side, like a useless sling.

But oh, oh, oh, his face. The patches of hot, hummuna hummuna leprosy? Gosh I can barely keep myself upright. The discoloration, the infected spots. Gosh he’s only a few weeks away from losing his nose, and imagine how hot he’ll look then?

Apparently the heroine has figured out the hotty mchotness of a leperous hero, as opposed to a merely lecherous one, and she’s already baring as much skin as she can in hopes of catching his red hot contagion. Damn her. I hate that wench.

Candy:

Little-known fact: using too much of that sunless tanning crap causes leprosy. It’s yet another one of those abomination things. And since not even homosexuality causes leprosy, you know this seriously pisses off God.

In all seriousness, though: why God why oh the bad bleached blond hair and the fake tan and the man-titty extravaganza and *starts stabbing eyeballs with pen*

His shirt—or lack thereof—also makes my brain go all ouchy if I try to think about it too much. Most kids learn this by the time they’re 5 or 6 years old or so: untuck your shirt first before unbuttoning it and trying to take it off. Otherwise you walk around all day with your arms trapped behind you like a complete ‘tard. This goes double when you’re wearing leather pants so tight, I’m cringing in sympathy for your nuts.

Sarah:

This is one of the most bizarre yet, for me, addictive Lindsey covers. From the scalp down, she’s young, nubile, lithe even. Abnormally small, considering his hand pretty much covers her entire midsection as if she were only half-grown, but still, a young woman in a gravity-defying harem costume.

But above the scalp? It is all long luxurious premature grey. Maybe she’s a witch. Maybe she’s Skinner’s much-better-looking succubus. Or maybe she’s an albino with dark lashes, dark eyebrows, and purple eyelids. But either way, when I’m old and my hair has gone grey, I’m totally sporting the harem outfit with the 6 feet of grey hair hanging behind me.

Candy:

Buh, you are so right about the unnatural smallness of this woman. Actually, the more I look at it (see my devotion to the readers of this site? I AM PERUSING THIS COVER CLOSELY. THIS IS NOT CONDUCIVE TO HAPPINESS OR A HEALTHY MENTAL STATE) the more squicked I get. She kinda looks like one of those creepy whored-out pre-pubescent beauty queens, only with a good set of implants.

And of course, the hair. That hair is out of control. She doesn’t know it yet, but it’s now sentient and is even now in deep talks with Dick Cheney, the CIA, the House of Saud and the Russian Mafia on oil pipeline construction, currency fixing and cocaine smuggling.

Sarah:

Ok, first of all, I keep misreading the title as “Fender Rebel.” Is he a guitar player? Is that how he scores chicks? Or is he more of a hit-and-run artist who busts up the bumper of her car then ravishes her in the countryside?

I know sex is a long dance of “Ouch, you’re on my hair” but this brings the hair-pulling to new heights. Or, ur, lengths. What is it with long haired heroines, anyway? And where are they exactly? Are they floating in midair above a walled garden? Are they on a hill above the backyard? The pack of depth and proportion is bizarre – but then, so is that hair so who I am I to diss the backdrop?

Candy:

Holy flowing fiery locks, Batman! If Silver Angel’s hair is out of control, this chick’s hair is even more so; in fact, it has already contacted Lrrr, Overlord of Omicron Persei 8 and sold all our children and our children’s children into intergalactic slavery.

This is also another one of those titles that seems as if it should make sense, but really, it doesn’t. Tender Rebel? I have two, no, three pieces of advice for yon sensitive revolutionary:

1. Aloe vera gel is your friend. Use it.

2. Stop picking at it. What are you, like, 8 years old?

3. And for God’s sake, let the piercings heal before demonstrating to your beloved your reknown ability to impersonate a jackhammer.

Comments are Closed

  1. 1
    Bonnie says:

    I always want to C&P links to the coversnark to all my friends, even the non-romance-reading long-haired (elven goth) Swedish boy-friends. And I laugh out loud. Kudos.

    But I gotta question – did I miss a Lindsay somewhere in my teens? I don’t recognize the first cover. Which novel is it from?

  2. 2
    Sarah says:

    Great googly moogly I forgot to write in the titles? I shall remedy right away. But that first one is the stepback image to “Say You Love Me (and my leprosy).”

  3. 3
    HelenKay says:

    The first cover is downright scary.  The guy is half wolf and, well, half something not wolf – not man but not wolf either.  Definitely not good

  4. 4
    Sarah says:

    Half…moldy?

  5. 5
    Wendy Duren says:

    Did anyone else notice the woman on the first cover looks as though she’s had a really bad boob job?

  6. 6
    Alyssa says:

    The first cover may be the worst one yet. Jeez, that man has GOT to find a doctor.

    Alyssa

  7. 7
    Gail says:

    The hair! The Horror!

    That’s the hair that ate Manhattan. Whether it’s orange or white. Scary. Truly Scary.

  8. 8
    Maili says:

    No, no, look at his leatherette trousers! I cannot be the only one who’s weirded out by his creepy trousers?

    And have anyone noticed the “connection” between his trousers and her dress? 

    OK, I obviously need some coffee.

  9. 9
    Sarah says:

    Maili: There is totally some kind of synthetic fabric meld going on with their clothing- his leatherette and her abnormal-for-the-period shiny fabric dress. It’s scary.

    Wendy: OH you are SO right. She totally has the half-grapefruit-stuck-on-her-chest look of a bad boob implant job. Maybe this is a time travel and I don’t know it? She’s emerged in the past from a costume ball in the present, where she was employed as “talent” posing as a “debutante” at a “Regency ball?”

    Gail: I saw that color hair when my roommate in college, who had dark dark hair, tried to bleach her hair and dye it red. Didn’t work. She ended up with that straw-colored red-burnt finish like his. Perhaps he also is a time-traveller, and worked as a guinea pig for an incompetent hairdresser?

    Alyssa: He could totally be an episode of ER. A very special ER. An ER television event, in fact: the leper with the burnt hair, fused to a woman with giant breasts. The ER has never seen a case like this.

  10. 10
    Ankah says:

    Wendy, I *thought* there was something odd about her boobs, but thought it was more a bad tan-line issue. Good call.

    The Silver Witch, I mean Silver Angel looks like the freakin’ Bride of Frankenstein. Or else Madeline Kahn in Young Frankenstein.

  11. 11
    white raven says:

    I didn’t recognize the first cover, but sc-a-a-r-ry.  Beyond the leprosy, I can’t help but stare at the bulging veins in his forehead.  Is this stress-induced?

    The hair thing – My hair is as long if not longer than most of these heroines’ locks.  Thing is, it doesn’t do any of the hair acrobatics I see here.  What hair products are they using that can break the laws of physics?

  12. 12
    Sarah says:

    Seriously, I’d give anything to have that kind of gravity-defying hair that doesn’t look all dull and stick from hair product.

  13. 13
    cw says:

    I keep staring at the chick from the first cover and thinking: gizzard neck! Not to mention she has a shoulder (bone?) you could use as a ball bearing.

    The longer I stare at the neck, the longer it seems to get.

    I need less coffee. Heh.

  14. 14
    Amy E says:

    Oh, yeah, that shoulder is totally freaky.  Looks dislocated to me.  Is he preparing to throw her to the ground, plant his foot in her armpit, and wrench that sucker back in place?

    Or maybe it’s a migrating blob of silicone from the Amazing Grapefruit Boobs of Death.  Gotta watch that.  She should’ve gotten the saline ones.

  15. 15
    Sarah says:

    “Grapefruit Boobs of Death” – bwahahaa.

    Maybe the weight of them has just thrown all her joints out of whack.

  16. 16
    Amy E says:

    No, I finally figured it out!  She’s like Poison Ivy in the Batman movie.  He was fine until she breathed on him.  Watch him shrivel up and wilt!  (Chick, consider brushing those teeth.  Really, scummy teeth are SO last year.)

  17. 17
    Candy says:

    Thanks, cw. Now I’m mesmerized by the neck too. And that knob on her shoulder…. I just want to grab a chamois cloth and start buffing it. Buff buff buff away at the knob….

  18. 18

    On that first cover, it looks to me like they are about to start dancing flamenco or Paso Doble.

    And that guy’s skin really is dead-green.  Avocado-man!

  19. 19
    cw says:

    Haha, AmyE! Or that putrid chick from ELEKTRA. He’s decomposing as we type!

    Er.

    Anytime, Candy. Hee.

  20. 20
    E.D'Trix says:

    Typical Lindsay hero, making the heroine stretch her neck like a yawning giraffe to get a taste of those sweet sweet decaying leprosy lips.

    As far as the last cover goes, Miss “Tender Rebel” looks as if she actually has a quite chic bob, and has simply chosen the soft, soft ass of Mr. Snuffalupagus as her bed o’ passion.

  21. 21
    Amy E says:

    Hahahahaha, E.D’Trix!!  You so nailed it.  I vote for more Sesame Street characters on romance covers.  Wouldn’t it be hot to see a couple humping in Big Bird’s nest?  I’m getting all trembly just thinking of it.

  22. 22
    Sarah says:

    I bet the ass o’ Snuffleupagus would be very comfy.

    And dude, first cover will so be Bert and Ernie. On an Emma Holly.

  23. 23
    Amy E says:

    Either that, or Smurfette and the other 99 Smurfs.

  24. 24

    OMG! I just stumbled onto your site and have shared it with some of my writer friends. This site is halarious!! I love your cover critiques!!! You two are awesome! I even had a friend ask if I was ‘Candy’…hehe

    Thank God I write mysteries!!! (I won’t tell you about the romance I have tucked away for future publication.) :)

    It’s about time someone just told it like it is!

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