Ask Bitches, Get Bitchy Answers!

Hey, readers! We’re finally getting off our asses and making an About Us page and an FAQ page. This is your chance to ask all the burning questions that have been eating you up about Sarah, Candy and the site. (That other burning? You need some miconazole cream for that, hon, nothing we can do for you here.) Answers are not guaranteed to be honest (I mean, c’mon, as if we’d answer honestly if you asked us ‘What’s your mother’s maiden name?’ and ‘What are the last four digits of your SSN?’) but they WILL be amusing. And feel free to go nuts. Ask us some real off-the-wall questions. We’ll answer them. Honest. (Or not.)

Here are some sample questions to kick start the inquisition:

Aside from ID and a book to read, what is one thing you won’t leave home without?

If you were a Chick Lit heroine, which shoe brand would you obsess over?

Are you guys smiley Nazis, or what? What’s with your hatred of the LOL? And animated GIFs?

Leave your inquiries in the comments, and we’ll answer and categorize accordingly. And, if there’s something about the site you think we ought to explain, please feel free to put down a few lines on that, too. And then, snort them. Can’t waste the good powder, now.

Categorized:

News

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  1. 1
    Beth says:

    Holy SHIT I was just thinking of this today! (This morning, actually, as I was lotioning my face, appropos of nothing.)

    Here’s my Q:

    Is any book – romance or otherwise – deserving of a SmartBitch grade of A+? And like what would it take to get an A+?

  2. 2
    E.D'Trix says:

    How much of a process was it for you to trademark the phrase “The Power of Luuuurve” and how many times have you had to go to court to protect your copyright?

  3. 3
    Sarah says:

    And allow me to blast the internet with my very first LOL – but literally, I spit on the monitor at that question, E.D’T.

    We had quite a battle with Celine Dion, let me tell you.

  4. 4
    Candy says:

    Yeah, yowww, talk about fending off a crazy bitch.

    We’ll definitely tell you the extremely complicated process by which we trademarked The Power of Luuuurveâ„¢. There are a few different ways to do it, and we’ll cover them all.

  5. 5
    E.D'Trix says:

    I am so proud. *sniff* I earned an LOL!

    Another question:

    When is your long-awaited sister site “stupid bitches, literary books” going to open its doors?

  6. 6
    cw says:

    Woohoo!

    Are you guys going to write a book? Like, SMART BITCHES GUIDE TO ROMANCE NOVELS, vol. 1? I’d totally pimp that. Or fiction. LOVE’S BODICE LOST, by Smart Bitch Sarah and Smart Bitch Candy…

    What other genres do you like to read most? (Um, we know ‘bout the vet/animal lovin’. Teehee.)

    Boxers, briefs, or commando? And on your men? (just kidding)

    What’s your favorite romantic movie? Romantic comedy? Nonromantic movie?

    If you were a chick lit heroine, what alcoholic beverage would you abuse?

    Oh, and do you have a favorite subgenre of romance? If so, what is it/are they?

    I’ll let others have a whack at the SB pinata now. Heh.

  7. 7
    Amanda says:

    If the magic book goddess were to gift you with 3 of your favorite books while stuck in, a) wall to wall traffic b) on the subway between stops-naturally you have a booklight & extra batteries- or c) while waiting for the Titanic to sink, what 3 books would the book goddess give you?

  8. 8
    AngieW says:

    Pepsi or Coke?

    If you could only ever read one other blog, which one would you read?

    What kind of bribe would it take for you to proclaim that Cassie Edwards Rules The World?

    What is the single most embarassing book that you could admit to loving (and really do love?)

    And on a serious side, I was wondering today, how the two of you hooked up and how you came up with the idea for this blog?

    I know, boring question, but one I was thinking about!

  9. 9
    Sarah says:

    I want to ask us a question:

    Do you pronounce ‘.GIF’ as JIFF or GIFF?

  10. 10
    cw says:

    I know this one! *g* Soft J-JIFF as in jam.

  11. 11
    Sarah says:

    See, I’m all about the Jiff-Giff, but I hear so many people say it with a hard-G.

    Just my pet peeve of the day. As you were.

  12. 12
    cw says:

    For a sec, I thought “maybe it’s hard-G?” and almost went into a mini-frenzy to look up my old CS notes, regained my sanity, and Clusty pulled this up: http://www.olsenhome.com/gif/

    Yeah, I have too much time on my hands. But not as much as those guys…

  13. 13
    Wendy Duren says:

    What’s your favorite cheese?

  14. 14
    Maili says:

    1. Are you two aspiring authors? [I’m testing the popularised ‘reviewer is a secret writer wannabe’ theory]
    2. Will you ever reveal the URL of your old web sites? Or shall I?
    3. Hardback, trade or mass paperback? 
    4. Of which authors are you fangirls?
    5. Why do you swear so much?

    :D Hm. The fourth question is awkwardly phrased, I think? Feck. Where’s my Good English guidebook?

  15. 15
    Candy says:

    Y’know, Maili’s question *koff*threat*koffkoff* about my old website made me Google for my name, and most of the hits came from the two purple prose parodies I wrote for AAR. For those of you who didn’t read this originally back in the day, check ‘em out—I barely remember writing these, and they’re so bad that re-reading them is making me criiiinge.

    Love’s Savage Passion (This is not, contrary to what you may think, a slam on La Cassie.)

    Savage Lighthouse Keeper (OK, the “savage” in this one definitely IS a slam on Cassie; the second bit was inspired by this piece of shit book called The Lighthouse Keeper that I had to review and… Man, this book gives Cassie Edwards a real run for her money.)

    Hope you enjoy this mini-trip down memory lane (and deliberately bad prose).

  16. 16
    Teri Brown says:

    Hi there,

    I wrote a personal email to Candy, I believe it was. Not stalking. I live in Portland Oregon and thought I read that one of you lived here? I am throwing together a Book Lover’s high tea at the Heathman for Northwest Woman Magazine and would love to invite either one of you…

    Please contact me off list.

    Teri

  17. 17
    Wendy Duren says:

    What’s your favorite freeway?

  18. 18
    Amy E says:

    Where have all the good men gone?  And a follow-up question: why are all the remaining good men gay?

    How much therapy did you need after the extreme closeup of Fabio’s camel-toe?

    If you had to be any one TSTL heroine, which one would you be, and why?

    If you could beat any TSTL heroine to a bloody pile of fawning, swooning whimper, who would it be, and can I help?

    Um… I’m sure I’ll think of some more.

  19. 19
    Keishon says:

    What’s your favorite cereal?

    Who’s the smarter bitch?

    If you were to be stranded on a itty-bitty-island and could only bring one thing, who or what would you take with you?

    Who does your make-up?

    What’s the worst movie you’ve seen?

    Worst book read?

    What’s your favorite TV show? Worst TV show?

  20. 20
    white raven says:

    Hope I’m not too late for this one.

    Okay, if your favorite author came up to you and said “Candy/Sarah, I want to write a romance novel customized to your specifications (plot, hero type, heroine type)” what would would you select to go in that novel?

  21. 21
    Wendy Duren says:

    Beef or chicken?

  22. 22
    Pam says:

    What are you like in real life?  Do you talk as openly with real people?  Would you be as funny if I met you in person?

  23. 23
    Maili says:

    Sarah and Candy – which are you:

    American version: skeet or ho?
    English version: minger or todger dodger?
    Scottish version: cowping or madbit?

    Warning: all have different meanings.

    *evil doctor laugh*

  24. 24
    Candy says:

    Off I go to urbandictionary.com, lalala… Although I do know what “minger” means, since one of my nicknames for my orange cat is The Ginger Minger. At least one of the options wasn’t “chav,” or we really would’ve had to ban your IP.

  25. 25
    Amy E says:

    What is a metaphysical conceit and with what primary writer are metaphysical conceits associated?

    What makes two works antithetical? Describe what is antithetical about Blake’s ‘’The Lamb’’ and ‘’The Tyger.’’

    What evidence supports the idea that Hamlet was mad? What evidence supports the idea that Hamlet was not mad? And which do you believe?

    Are you having horrible flashbacks of university-level English literature yet, or shall I continue?

  26. 26
    Maili says:

    Well, I have to admit that I did think of putting in ‘chav’, but decided that it’d be too cruel. 

    You call your cat The Ginger Minger?

    *pause*

    I’m calling the RSPCA.

  27. 27
    Candy says:

    You call your cat The Ginger Minger?

    Oh, that’s the least of the nicknames I call Eric. The most popular one right now is Eric the Asshead, but other favorites have included Anus, Furry Little Douchebag, My Little Bastard (like My Little Pony, only with more Bastardry!), Fuzzy Bastard, Fat Bastard (he’s slimmed down quite a bit but he used to be quite porky as an adolescent, so now he’s mostly a Chubby Bastard), Dickhead, Penisface, Little Fucker and, perhaps worst of all, Prissy Little French Bureaucrat. Actually, when I call out “Little bastards!” both my cats come running, which cracks me up every time.

    Oh, and his sister is named Hitler. D’you know it took me over two years before I could bear to confess to Sarah that I named her that? Thank God Sarah’s sense of humor is every bit as perverse as mine.

  28. 28
    meljean says:

    “Savage Lighthouse Keeper (OK, the “savage” in this one definitely IS a slam on Cassie; …)”

    Oh my god—I remember this one! That was you! The name of the hero—White-Winged-Albatross-Sailing-Gracefully-O’er-The-Ever-Eddying-Currents-Of-The-Eternal-Air-And-Sky-While-Looking-For-Dinner-(Most-Probably-Fish-Again-But-He’ll-Take-What-He-Can-Get) is still one of my favorites ever. I remember laughing for about ten hours straight over it. I voted for this one just because of the name. Ah, memories. *giggling like mad all over again*

  29. 29
    Stef says:

    Which would you prefer to wrestle in, Jell-O or pudding?

  30. 30
    Frog says:

    Have you always been so open about reading romance novels?

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