Another Contest! Another Chance To Be a Bitchâ„¢!

Have y’all seen the award Monica created for me in honor of my C- review of In My Dreams? If you haven’t seen it yet, please, for the love of tacos, go check it out. It’s hilarious. A big ole throbbing heart to Monica for having an evil sense of humor.

The award was also inspiring, specifically the bit that says the it will be inflicted on me should I neglect to use “sheer literary genius” in my next review of Monica’s work. That got me thinking, oh, I COULD, but the words won’t necessarily be close together.

Anyway, have you ever seen cover quotes just peppered with ellipses and wondered what those unedited raves would actually read like? (Come to think of it, movies are much, much worse than books when it comes to this.) Well, here’s your chance to create one yourself. In 55 words or less, create a review excerpt that an exceptionally creative author/editor/publicist/agent/WHOEVER is in charge of this sort of thing will be able to trim into the following accolades:

“Heartbreaking work of staggering genius”

“Fantastic, witty romp”

“Must-read book of the year”

“A potent and satisfying read”

“Richly nuanced and beautifully written”

Post your entry in the comments, or e-mail them to candy @ smartbitchestrashybooks.com or sarah @ smartbitchestrashybooks.com.

Other rules
1. Entry cannot mention any specific authors or books, unless you want to create one using our Title Generator, featuring our patented Bitchenatin’® Technology.

2. The review must be scathing.

3. The words must appear in order, e.g. for “Fantastic, witty romp” the words “fantastic” and “witty” must appear before “romp” in the review excerpt.

4. Get your entries in by Tuesday, May 17 2005. I’ll post all the eligible entries on Wednesday, and you have until Saturday, May 21 to e-mail either Sarah or me the vote for your favorite. The one with the most votes wins. Results will be posted Sunday, May 22.

Here are some examples Sarah and I came up with for “sheer literary genius”:

“‘Sheer, mind-numbing idiocy’ are the words that ran through my mind as I read this author’s latest literary attempt. The genius who greenlighted this novel’s publication deserves to be shot, hung, quartered, burned and then have the ashes fed to hungry pigs.”

“Sheer bravery was the only force that allowed me to finish this literary effort, and genius, sadly, is a long way off.”

OK, enough blathering, fool. What about the prizes?
Lo, the prize is three-fold!

1. A custom Smart Bitch title which you can proudly sport on your website! Yes, you KNOW you want to announce to the world that you are Countess Balloonne-Knotte. (Actual prize title may vary from showroom model.)

2. Guest Bitchery! (If you want. No pressure if you prefer to stay mum.)

3. Your choice of up to three books from the following list, all in mint condition unless otherwise noted (yes, I’m one of those horribly anal-retentive readers whose books look brand-new even after multiple re-reads):

Where’s My Hero?, an anthology featuring Julia Quinn, Lisa Kleypas and Kinley MacGregor
Only in My Dreams by Eve Byron (cracks in spine, pages yellowed, edgewear)
The Gentleman Caller by Megan Chance
The Perfect Scandal by Kit Garland
In My Dreams by Monica Jackson
Duchess in Love by Eloisa James
The Naked Duke by Sally MacKenzie
The Rake and the Reformer by Mary Jo Putney (pretty beat up—lots of creases everywhere)
One Man’s Love (Book 1 of the Highland Lords) by Karen Ranney
When the Laird Returns (Book 2 of the Highland Lords) by Karen Ranney
The Irresistible MacRae (Book 3 of the Highland Lords) by Karen Ranney
To Love a Scottish Lord (Book 4 of the Highland Lords) by Karen Ranney
Single, Sexy… and Sold! by Vicki Lewis Thompson, Harlequin Temptation 721

Comments are Closed

  1. 1
    Jaci says:

    no! no! not another contest! Oh I so want to play! NO..mustn’t…already have a way cool Smart Bitch title…must resist….argh!

    Countess Bytchenson

  2. 2
    Kate R says:

    no, sorry, it doesn’t get better than “this book fills a much needed gap”.,,,, not mine but how I wish it was.

  3. 3
    Kate R says:

    Jaci—you’re just a show off.

    [jealous? heck, yah.]

  4. 4
    Candy says:

    Aw, c’mon, Jaci. You know you want to… Plus there are no limits to the number of titles you can amass. Or you can choose to forfeit the title and just go for extra Guest Bitchery, or opt for an extra book.

    Oh, and I need to add Duchess in Love by Eloisa James to that list. Must remember to do that when I get home for reals….

  5. 5
    Kate R says:

    okay my real entries…
    At a time when everyone and her aunt is producing romances, it’s beyond fantastic that some editor—after she smoked far more than her usual dose of crystal meth—reached into one of her three foot high slush piles of no doubt witty, original Regency romps and plucked out this pedestrian pile of cliches. 

    ****
    A polite euphemism for the scent of skunk is “potent”. Let me just say this work was extremely…potent. When I pick up a book I want to find a collection of words that amuse and satisfy me. By the time I hit the third chapter, I knew the only words I’d find satisfying in this book were “the end”.  I had to read it, but thank the Lord I can spare you the same agony.

  6. 6
    Bonnie says:

    “Devlish Luuuuuurve (TM)” is so richly laden with chocolate to satisfy Lucian Hades’ (Lucifer, Devlish, har har) obsession with devil’s food cake, I almost died of sugar shock. This sexually-nuanced sweet feast failed on every count but one: the author melted and shaped Lucian’s love-truffle beautifully in probably the most florid paragraph ever written.

  7. 7
    Bonnie says:

    Can I do two, huh huh?

    A “Swollen Stallion”‘s constantly-referenced “potent man-smell” and “smothering kisses” made me wonder whether this story was about satisfying a woman or murdering her via suffocation. Before I finally threw the book against a wall, I’d screamed at the heroine to wear a nose plug and buy an oxygen tank fifteen times. Verdict? A stinky read.

  8. 8
    Kate R says:

    one more for me too

    Richly larded with obvious plot twists, the only nuanced drama in this watered-down story about a bartender and male stripper is the post-party scene which contains the most beautifully written 20 page description of barfing ever published.

  9. 9
    Amy E says:

    Think I could get two of those lines in one review?  Let’s try it…

    Before I picked up “The Latin Lover’s Outback Sheikh,” I thought every cliche had been done.  I have come to the heartbreaking conclusion that I am wrong.  This work of dreck is simply staggering in its hideousness.  It takes true genius to create a storyline at once so lurid and yet so bland.  I protested to no avail.  The editor said I must read it or lose my job.  Well, this book has put me off Latinos, Sheiks, and all representatives of the Outback for at least a year.

  10. 10
    Amy E says:

    And again… but not a two-fer this time.

    “The Pirates of Tin Pants” is one of those books too mind-numbinbly mundane to ever live up to its fantastic billing.  Ima Bigshot, a usually witty author who should’ve known better, gleefully tosses aside the touching romances that made her famous.  Instead, this reviewer had to womanfully force herself to finish this 300-page description of a sexual romp between a midget and Blackbeard.

  11. 11
    Alyssa says:

    OK, I’ll give this a try. Here’s #1:

    It wasn’t one moment that led me to believe The Hardened Thunder would be a written crime against humanity. Instead, it was a series of moments. First, there’s the hero’s repeated, potent “thunder” that causes the heroine’s collapse and descent into a coma. Then, in what the author wrongly thought would be a satisfying development, the hero voluntarily visits a nutritionist to avoid future thunderous incidents. Finally and most terribly, is the way the hero revives the heroine with his hardened . . . well, one sentence cannot fully convey the horror of what follows. You would have to read it to believe it.

  12. 12
    Alyssa says:

    And here’s #2:

    One can only describe Author XX’s return to romantic fiction with The Nymphomaniac Ranger as heartbreaking. After a 10-year writing hiatus, Author XX clearly thought her work with recovering nymphomaniacs would make a fine contribution to the story. Of course, it actually makes one wonder if Author XX didn’t identify too much with her patients, as this book is simply one long, staggering orgy with no plot to speak of. Between the lack of plot and the fact that Author XX doesn’t even describe how the title character looks in his uniform—a sad omission—it doesn’t take a genius to see that readers should stay far, far away from this book.

  13. 13
    Alyssa says:

    I’m getting a kick out of reading these. I particularly love “Lucian’s love-truffle” and the “300-page description of a sexual romp between a midget and Blackbeard.”

    Alyssa

  14. 14
    Stef says:

    Ok, I had to try this, though I have yet   to get coffee this moring. This may be weird.

    Mine:
    “Must-read book of the year”

    I was told by the senior editor that I must read this book, since all of the others who attempted it are curently in the hospital with aneurisms. Though I was able to complete it by thrusting my PDA pen into my left ear, I will most likely not survive out the year.

    In the hopes of saving others, I have eaten my copy.

    “Fantastic, witty romp”

    After the appalling first book in the series, I wondered what fantastic sexual favor the author performed to keep her contract. This tale follows the same trite imagery and attempts to be witty as the first book, but falls far short of the lighthearting romp the author is as desperately reaching for as Paris Hilton for a condom.

    Speaking of a condom, this book could use one. Not for use in the prose, but to hide the title from view so no one will be tempted to purchase it.

  15. 15
    Amy E says:

    Ahh, crap.  Just noticed that 55 word thing.  I’m so in violation.  Guess I’ll have to try again… 54 words for “A potent and satisfying read.”

    I could say I loved this book.  I would, however, be lying out my ass.  It’s SO lame when a hero needs Viagra.  The author’s description of his transition from “impotent” to “potent” is a true work of fart, and I can’t imagine a less satisfying plotless boinkfest.  Don’t read it.  Oh, the horror.

  16. 16
    Alyssa says:

    ACK! 55 words? How did I miss that? (Goes to check the post again) . . . Hell. I was focusing on the “other rules” section. Are you sure you don’t want to raise the word count to 112?

    Going back to edit . . .

    Alyssa

  17. 17
    Amy E says:

    There, it’s 55 words now.  I think my two-fer should get to be up to 110 words, though.  (It’s 89.)

    This book is too mind-numbingly mundane to ever live up to its fantastic billing.  Ima Bigshot, a usually witty author who should’ve known better, gleefully tosses aside the pirate romances that made her famous.  Instead, I had to womanfully force myself to finish this 300-page description of a sexual romp between a midget and Blackbeard.

    … it suffers for the loss of the title.  Oh well!  Can’t wait to see what the winner is!

  18. 18
    Alyssa says:

    Here we go: exercises in editing parts 1 and 2:

    #1: 55 Words
    A Hardened Thunder begins when the hero’s potent “thunder” causes the heroine to collapse and become comatose. In a far from satisfying development, he vows to avoid thunderous incidents. Finally she is revived with his hardened . . . well, words cannot convey the horror of what follows. You must read it to believe it.

    #2: 55 Words
    The Nymphomaniac Ranger marks the heartbreaking demise of publisher xx, which sank its advertising budget on this story inspired by the author’s work with recovering nymphomaniacs. This was an unwise course of action, as this story is simply one long, staggering, plotless orgy. One needn’t be a genius to know one should avoid this book.

  19. 19
    Artemis says:

    Hi all, it’s my first post here.  I couldn’t resist!

    Books about virgin widows who impregnate themselves with the hero’s secret baby during their long separations, suck major balls.  Reading it was heartbreaking work, like a coronary attack.  I’d sooner crap chunks of broken glass than do it again.  It’s staggering… someone got paid for this, proving it doesn’t take a genius to write books.

  20. 20
    Stef says:

    I missed the 55 word thing, too. I always did that in grade school, got bad marks in following directions.

    Revised (and typos fixed):

    “Must-read book of the year”

    I was told by the senior editor that I must read this book, since all of the others who attempted it are currently in the hospital with aneurisms. Though I was able to complete it by thrusting my PDA pen into my left ear, I will most likely not survive out the year.

    “Fantastic, witty romp”

    After the author’s appalling first book in the series, I wondered what fantastic sexual favor she performed to keep her contract. This tale follows the same trite imagery and attempts to be witty as the first, but falls short of the romp the author is as desperately reaching for as Paris Hilton for a condom.

  21. 21
    Amy E says:

    I shoulda kept my mouth shut and narrowed the competition.  Snort.

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