You-phum-isms

I love how this page has rapidly tackled the more sultry and scintillating issues at work in romance novels – be specific, we’re talkin’ nookie! Serious nookie! I’m still giggling over the phrase “chocolate starfish.”

But – my IT department? They will be looking at the log files of accessed pages and thinking I am one depraved little woman.

So I had an idea: not that Candy or you all or even I can refrain from saying “big honking cock” or even that we should – but let us come (huh) up (huh) with a master (huh) list of euphamisms for our various actions, lest someone be unable to access our site due to our propensity for naughty talk. I figure between our collective readership of romance novels past, present and future, we can come up with plenty o’ phrases to refer to any and all sex acts.

Except that one, you know, with the goat.

First Base: (kissing)

Meh. I think we can say “kissing!” Unless we’re talking about kissing the balloon knot.

Second Base: (above the waist groping)

“womanly roundness”
“tender, soft globes” (do they spin?)
“wanton endowments”
“quivering orbs”
“pillowy mounds”

Third Base: (below the waist groping)

“damp curls”
“soft thatch” (I hate the word “thatch”)
“dewy cleft”
“silken woman’s place”
“love grotto”
“pleasure center” (thanks, Beth! Or rather, thanks, Gaelen Foley!)
“love nubbin”

“hardness”
“bulge”
“ridge in his trousers” (sounds like a tailoring problem!)
“fleshy sword”
“spear of love” (which are completely different from spears of pickles, I assure you)

Home Run! (AKA Sex!)

“slide home”
“filled her”
“slid his love stallion into her willing stable”
“baptized the bishop”
“entered the love grotto”
“drove into the Chunnel of Love”
“sailed down the Love Canal”
“speared the hairy donut”

Oral Sex (M on F):

“parted her delicate petals”
“kissed her nether lips”
“munched her box”
“ate her carpet”
“dined sumptuously on her meat curtains”

Oral Sex (F on M):

“swallowed his hardness”
“encircled his engorged flesh”
“feasted on his magnificent lollipop”
“hummed the solid flute”

Anal!

“popped her balloon knot”
“rode the chocolate valley”
“slipped in the back door”
“hightailed down the Hershey highway”