Just like last week’s Covers Gone Wild, click on the links in this entry to admire our L33T PH0T0SH0P SK1LLZ and marvel at our trenchant wit as we bestow alternate titles to Johanna Lindsey’s Man of My Dreams stepback cover. And yeah, we know—it took us this long to finally get around to giving a Fabio cover the Smart Bitches treatment. As penance, we’ll stare at the cover for Flowers From the Storm until our eyes bleed or our cerebral cortex implodes, whichever comes first.
Candy: Doesn’t the woman look as if she has some sort of weird sexual orifice in the middle of her back? Because it sure as hell looks as if Fabio is humping her spine. And from the looks of her O-face, she really, really likes it.
Sarah: Oh my GOD with that corset she LOOKS like a GIANT PENIS. God the longer I stare at that the more horrified I get. He’s NAKED. She LOOKS like a PENIS. And he’s NAKED. I mean, utterly naked, and jabbing his manhood against her shoulder blade.
Candy: Wait, maybe she’s a whore who’s just really, really new at this. Maybe she really thinks shoulder blades are the humptiest spot on a woman’s body?
And you know what else is bothering me? Fabio’s legs. They’re so friggin’ hairy. What is up with that? He has obviously shaved the rest of his body bare, but his legs are still plentifully be-furred. The first time I saw this cover, I wondered for a second if he was wearing hairy, flesh-colored pants. Then I realized, no, Fabio is in his altogether, unless like the Red Hot Chilli Peppers of yore he has a sock on his cock. I wonder why he left his legs alone? Did he think “Hmmm, a completely smooth chest, belly and arms are manly, and so is long hair carefully dyed black being blown by a giant fan in a studio, and so is humping a woman whose corset lends a distinctly phallic aspect to her appearance—but I’m NOT shaving my legs. That’s just way too gay.”
Sarah: Further, the longer I stare at it (Ow, my EYES!) I have to wonder, what happens to get oneself into this position. He’s naked, standing upright, with a corseted and skirted woman (in full makeup, so a big “hmmmm” to the whole “whore” idea) kneeling in front of him. Are they playing hide-and-go-seek? Was she counting to 10 and he just took his clothes off and snuck up behind her? Or maybe he was taking a whiz and he’s blind and thought she was a tree? (That would explain the O-face.) Or maybe she lost her Hitachi Magic Wand and he’s giving her a shoulder massage with a magic wand of a different sort? I mean, I have the most wonky imagination out there, and even I can’t come up with a viable scenario for how these two got in this position. Imagine if his wife walked up – how’s he going to say, ‘No, honey, this is not what it looks like!’
I swear to God, I love you guys SO MUCH that I will soon be declaring a Smart Bitches Day. And I’m not even CLOSE to kidding about that.
I think he’s behind her so she can’t see the odd, odd, hairy legs and hairless chest combo. Really, if you saw that coming at you, wouldn’t you have to ask if he’d run out of Nair, or wax or razors?
I’m laughing so hard tears are making me not able to see to type. This is a scream! You two are the greatest.
But I think, too, the question needs to be asked how they ended up this way in the middle of a freakin’ field. Then again, I usually am asking that question when I see covers like this.
Remember the game you used to play when someone would write a word on your back using their finger and you’d try to guess the word? Well…what do you suppose he’s writing?
Heh, I was too busy obsessing over Fabio’s incongruous leg hair to notice that yes, Tarty McWhore and El Goatolio ARE IN THE MIDDLE OF MOTHERFUCKING NOWHERE.
And here are some guesses as to what he’s writing on her back:
“Turn around already, bitch.”
“Duck.”
“BOHICA.”
“I’m closing my eyes and pretending you’re Eric Bana.”
“Would you like some tea? Because I have some bags.”
Hehehe…at least in this book cover she doesn’t seem to be confused anymore…
http://www.wereallydig.com/romancecovers/couples/KeeperoftheHeart2i_JohannaLindsey.jpg
I wonder if that was from the same photo shoot, they just painted pants on him and changed her clothes and hair color?
…oh, my. The spam checker thing is death69—I wonder if that is an omen for me?
ew.
Holy crap! Fabio’s pose is EXACTLY the same in both covers. And that’s definitely the same woman. I wouldn’t doubt it was from the same shoot. I don’t know how they do these things, but given the similarities, I’m wondering if they had the photographer shoot these two in a bunch of different poses with the girl wearing, say, a bikini or a swimsuit and Flabio in a swimming trunk (eeeurgh, the thought of Fabio in a Speedo is in some ways worse than the thought of him just plain naked) and then had the artist paint in their clothing later. It would save time and money, I imagine, especially if the publishing house’s art department had decided that Lindsey was going to get Fabio covers for the next X number of books. (And it kind of looks like it did.)
This ends today’s edition of Candy’s Wild Speculation Hour.
http://www.fabioifc.com/BOOKCOVERS/FabioCoversGM.html
You know you want to look at them all. See if you’ll find the answer to the legend that is Fabio. first, the question. Does he ever wear a shirt?
The second question would be: How big of a discount does he get from Nair?
Toooo funny! You make me wish I knew how to use photoshop. Nah, instead I’ll just bookmark you ladies and be back. *g*
OMG, you ladies are just too dang funny! Oh, now the good news/bad news – you have a new fan, and I have a new place to procrastinate with.
I snuck in through Booksquare. The title of your blog just called to me. And this post – well, this post pushed me right into instant fandom!