Behold the Bleachmaster!

Picking on one of Sandra Hill’s “Viking” covers is like knocking over a one-legged kid without a crutch: horrifyingly easy to do. But then, there is a reason why we chose to call ourselves “Smart Bitches,” instead of “Smart Women Who, if They Have Nothing Nice to Say, Say Nothing At All.” Let the sniping begin!

This is no law-abiding Viking! BEWARE!

Candy: My. These two are certainly… strapping. And blonde. Very, very blonde. Hitler would be so proud.

Sarah: I like how she seems to be suspended in mid-air, and I doubly like the subtle shadows on his vikingly furry loincloth. I also like to write “loincloth.”

Stupid gravity! Come back down here, woman!

Candy: Actually, the first thing I thought was, “Oh how nice! He’s humidifying her nipples! Those Scandinavian winters sure can get cold and dry, and cracked nipples can be a real bitch.”

The second thought was, “Wow, I didn’t know blow-up dolls had bendable legs!” And really, he can stop blowing into her now, she looks quite amply inflated. His lung power has to be impressive, those things are hard to inflate fully without a pump.

Errr, not that I’d know this from personal experience, or anything. *koffkoff*

And what IS up with that loincloth? If you look closely (UGH), you can see the very disturbing suggestion of arms and paws on the damn thing. I know pre-washed cotton wasn’t exactly the most readily available commodity to the Vikings so they had to make their clothing from whatever they had at hand, but really, couldn’t this guy at least trim off the limbs before tying it around his waist like some sort of bad, formerly animate sweater?

Also: did you notice that the amulet on one of his necklaces bears a strong resemblance to the amulet that the Beastmaster wears? D’you think that’s how he lured the polar bear to its ultimate, undignified fate as Viking ass covering?

Sarah: Notice also that she has a similar amulet on her hip (ow) proving to the initial glance of the reader that they are Meant to Be. You know, besides the blonder-than-blonde hair and the alarmingly scanty clothing for a Scandinavian winter.

Again, I am forced to ask, How did they get into this position? Aside from a lack of gravity theory, I have no idea. I know pictures of actual people having sex are marvelously unattractive, as we tend to look all twisted and goofy-faced, but come on. Why is she climbing up his side like a stubborn vine?

Candy: Hmmmm, d’you think they might possibly be related? I mean, the blond hair, the amulet (a family heirloom?), the chiseled cheekbones, their inability to close their mouths fully, the beautiful, firm boobage… Will their children be exponentially more likely to be color-blind and/or hemophiliac than the general population? And even more importantly: Is lack of adherence to the laws of gravity an inheritable disorder?

Comments are Closed

  1. 1
    SandyO says:

    Gee, I was going to say he was holding her up, but I wasn’t going to say where I thought his hand was. ;)

    Proud Participant of Smart Bitches Day

  2. 2
    Candy says:

    You can see the barest suggestion of his fingertips on the upper bit of the woman’s hip, and it looks like he’s pulling her down. To better humidify that nipple, presumably. She seems precariously propped on his trunk-like thigh, but it just doesn’t look very stable. I imagine that 3 milliseconds after the shutter on the camera snapped, both of them went tumbling ass-over-teakettle and everyone got to see what was lying under the man’s polar bear kilt.

  3. 3
    kate says:

    come on, it’s obvious . . he’s giving her a leg up so she can change the lightbulb over the cave entrance.

  4. 4
    Kristie says:

    You guys crack me up.  Thank you.

  5. 5
    Larissa says:

    OMG, I’m laughing so hard that my normally unflappable cat ran and hid.  Though that could have something to do with the beer I sprayed all over him.

    Thanks, ladies!

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