The Contemporary Romance Drinking Game

Mrs. Giggles came up with the absolutely hilarious Regency Drinking Game. In the spirit of good-natured rip-offs (think of it as an homage, if you will), the Smart Bitches have come up with the Contemporary Romance Novel Drinking Game. Bottoms up, and if you can think of any additions, feel free to suggest them in the Comments.

The heroine:

  • Is a virgin: 1 sip
  • Over the age of 25: 2 sips
  • Over the age of 30: 5 sips
  • Is not a virgin but has never, ever, ever had an orgasm: 2 sips
  • Is not a virgin and has had terrific orgasms, but only because she had sex with the hero before the book began, which has resulted in a Secret Baby: 3 sips
  • Is a virgin and somehow still manages to have a Secret Baby (yes, this book exists): Toss the book against the wall and proceed to get as drunk as you can
  • Is not a virgin and has had terrific orgasms, then broke up with the hero and has remained celibate: 4 sips
  • Celibacy lasts more than 2 years: 5 sips
  • Celibacy lasts more than 5 years: 10 sips
  • Is not celibate, but the sex with other men has been terrible: 10 sips
  • Is described as “curvy” and “busty”: 1 sip
  • And then you find out she’s 5’10” and 110 lbs: 1 mug
  • Hates herself and her body because she’s been called “fat” by everyone she’s ever loved: 10 sips
  • Then you find out she’s actually 5 lbs. under her ideal bodyweight with really, really big tits: 1 mug
  • Heroine IS actually overweight (in romance novel terms: more than a size 10): 5 sips
  • Has some kind of quirky non-office job like owning a pet store specializing in antique dog collars, or is a Las Vegas showgirl: 3 sips
  • The showgirl is a virgin: 1 mug
  • Is vaguely described as a “consultant”: 3 sips
  • Is employed in a clearly care-giving profession (nurse, doctor, counselor, therapist, social worker, etc.): 2 sips
  • Has a home-based career, without children: 2 sips
  • Has a home-based career, with children: 4 sips
  • Never insists the hero wears a condom: 2 sips
  • When the hero decides to bareback or forgets to put on a jimmy hat, decides it’s proof of their TRUE LURVE: 10 sips

The hero:

  • Is a police detective: 1 sip
  • Is in some way employed in investigations and is a former member of law enforcement: 2 sips
  • And was booted out of law enforcement, unjustly of course: 3 sips
  • Is a Navy SEAL: 1 sip
  • Is a member of some other type of Special Forces task force: 2 sips
  • Is a secret agent: 2 sips
  • For another country: 5 sips
  • Is a sports stud: 1 sip
  • Is a cowboy: 1 sip
  • Is a doctor: 1 sip
  • Is a millionaire/billionaire entrepreneur who’s somehow not a gross, balding, overweight 56-year-old lech who exclusively dates supermodels and Playboy Playmates: 3 sips
  • Is a business tycoon who doesn’t actually spend 14 hours a day in his office, leaving him plenty of time to chase the heroine all over the earth: 3 sips
  • Is a corporate drone whose job is so boring the author doesn’t even mention it: 1 sip
  • Is an alleged geek who doesn’t play video games or RPGs, make Monty Python references, or indulge in any other kind of real-life geek behavior other than look really, really cute in glasses: 3 sips
  • Is an alleged geek who makes huge blunders while talking about computers or explaining basic scientific theorems: 10 sips
  • Is an alleged geek with limited lovemaking experience yet still makes heroine orgasm the moment he brushes against her clitoris: 1 mug
  • Has a big dick, a detail which is noted with clockwork-like precision every time a love scene comes up: 1 sip
  • The dick is so big it hurts the heroine, which is noted with clockwork-like precision every time a love scene comes up: 2 sips
  • Has an even bigger gun: 2 sips
  • The gun is so big it hurts the… oh wait.
  • Spends more than 2/3 of the book being angry, snarling, or shouting: 4 sips
  • Big-dicked, big-gunned, cranky hero is in a Linda Howard novel: 5 sips
  • Or a Susan Andersen novel: 5 sips
  • Incessantly calls the heroine “babe”: 1 sip
  • Has dated one skanky hobag who has somehow soured his opinion of all women: 2 sips
  • Is currently involved with a skanky hobag: 5 sips
  • Skanky hobag turns out to be the villain, or in cahoots with the villain: 4 sips

Heroine’s Sidekick:

  • Is described as “wacky” and whose only function is to make the heroine question her own attractiveness in comparison to Mme. Wacky: 3 sips
  • Has red hair: 1 sip
  • Has big boobs: 1 sip
  • Never actually says or does anything remotely “wacky”: 1 mug
  • Is wacked in a satisfying and gruesome way: chug and call Sarah to recommend book immediately

Hero’s Sidekick:

  • Is more stylish than hero: 1 sip.
  • Is gay: 2 sips.
  • But hero doesn’t know sidekick is gay: 1 mug.
  • And is involved with sidekick: are you sure it’s a romance?
  • Is hero’s partner in investigation/law enforcement: 2 sips.
  • Swears he himself will never marry: 2 sips.
  • But is paired off in secondary romance plotline: 2 sips.
  • Is killed off: 3 sips.
  • Saves hero’s ass once in story: 1 sip.
  • Saves hero’s ass twice in story: 2 sips
  • Hero should be dead due to his own stupidity but is saved on multiple occasions by quick-thinking hero’s best friend: 1 mug.

If any of the following words are used at any point of the story:

  • Redolent:1 sip

  • Turgid: 2 sips
  • Erection: 2 sips
  • Penis: 2 sips
  • Cock: 3 sips
  • Dick: 4 sips.
  • Fiercely: 2 sips
  • Huskily: half the mug
  • Savage: the whole damn mug, please—and make sure you savor it with sweet, savage pleasure
  • Beguiled: 3 sips
  • Arousal (if used to refer to an erection): 2 sips
  • Arousal (if the hero actually uses the word to refer to his erection): 10 sips
  • Sensual (if used as a euphemism for “heroine looks like a two-bit skank”): 2 sips
  • Sensuality (if used as a euphemism for “heroine is acting like a two-bit skank”): 2 sips

Random Musings

Comments are Closed

  1. 1
    Jay says:

    I know Im late but don’t forget growling! How much should I drink if the hero growls at the heroine? Especially if it’s during sex? Everywhere I turn some dude is growling. Growling is the new black.

  2. 2
    Candy says:

    Ha, good one! I’m thinking two sips, because it happens fairly frequently, and we wouldn’t want us passing out from over-indulgence, do we?

    It’s funny because I’ve never been growled at during sex, and the only time I’ve seen it happen is during a very particular type of porno. It doesn’t seem at all sexy. A man sounding like a dog who should’ve gotten his rabies booster shot is NOT attractive. But hey, diff’rent strokes and all that, right?

  3. 3
    Emily says:

    Oh geez. I just realized I would have been passed out with my head in the can about 50 pages into the one I read last night. Right down to the gay sidekick. Oy vey.

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